Will Rogers: “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. " Ben Franklin: “You will find the key to success under the alarm clock. " Bill Watterson: “What’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it. " Ray Magliozzi: “You will never have more energy or enthusiasm, hair, or brain cells than you have today. "
Pick a pearl from a favorite rap song: “As the venerable Lil Wayne taught us, ‘Real G’s move in silence, like lasagna. ’ And that’s what I want to talk to you about today. No, not the questionable Italian casseroles lovingly served by the lunch ladies at our school, but moving forward. In silence. Like the real G’s that Jefferson High School has made us. " Reference some “low” culture: “Wondering these halls, we were like so many Mario Brothers in the sewers of our lives. Getting lost and finding our way. Reaching for stars. Thinking we were sparkling and invincible. Trampling strange mushrooms. Smashing turtles with hammers. Doing battles with princess-stealing dragon creatures who live in fiery realms. Well. . . we did some of that. "
If you’re giving a speech because you’re an exceptional student or an administrator, it could get a good opportunity to self-deprecate. Tell a story about a time you failed spectacularly. Try to think of something everyone will be able to recognize. If your school has been under construction all year, make jokes about “building the future one closed hallway at a time. " Avoid telling “inside” jokes unless you’re going to explain them. If something is funny to you and your swim-team friends, but nobody else knows what it means, it’s not good for a graduation speech. Remember who your audience is.
Attack the “hard-work” cliché: “Lots of people will tell you that success comes with hard work. And that the only way to climb that ladder of success is by keeping your hands out of your pockets. But it isn’t true. Some people are just lucky. And that’s what I want to talk about today. . . " Pick on the “I see the future innovators of the world” cliché: “I look out at you, my fellow graduates, and you know what I see? I see a future of loan debt. I see the students who will break their thumbs on the Xbox of life. The kids who will back-up the emergency rooms of the world, on Halloween, when the partying was too intense. Who will have 14 grandmothers die during finals week. And who will take control of their lives. " It helps to not take yourself too seriously when you’re adding humor to a more serious speech.
Pick a common joke that you like and tell it. Knock-knock jokes, chicken crossing the road jokes, talking dog jokes, jokes about moths visiting podiatrists. You can use any joke if you put the work into it. “My dad used to love to tell a joke. It goes like this: A guy and a skeleton walk into a bar. The guy orders two beers and a mop. I think there are two kinds of people in this world. Skeletons, and the people who mop up after them when they drink too much. "
You probably won’t make everyone laugh, even if your joke is great. Don’t worry about broadcasting to everybody in the audience, but try to keep it clean for as many people as possible. Remember they are there.
It’s probably not necessary to name specific people at all in your speech. Even if you think they might laugh to be called out for something in the graduation speech, you never know who’ll take offense. Don’t tease anyone but yourself.
Sometimes, it can be hard to think of a joke to go along with a specific theme, and it’s a lot easier to find a specific theme from a joke you want to tell.
Stephen Colbert at University of Virginia Neil Degrasse Tyson at Mount Holyoke College Evan Biberdorf’s High School Graduation Speech Lance Jabr’s High School Musical Conan O’Brien’s Harvard Commencement
Lead in a general way, thanking everyone who has already spoken and brought you up to the stage. Even if your speech involves voices and costumes, don’t forget the standard “thank you” stuff. It’s hard to guess the mood of a particular audience. Some might be rowdy and ready to laugh, others might be kind of somber, or bored. Start normally and find the right tone for the day.
You can always avoid emphasizing the jokes with your voice. Just read it as straight as possible, instead of pausing dramatically for emphasis and waiting for the laughter to die down. Mark all your jokes with one color, or with an underline, and then let all the straight stuff stay in regular font and text. If you need to, you can quickly see the jokes you can skip over. Just focus on the content. It helps to really live in the moment when you’re giving a speech. Pay attention to how your audience responds and react to what you’re getting from the them.
If you’re going to belt a Sinatra song dramatically, you’ve got to stay serious so people will laugh. If you’re going to give a fake-academic talk, stay in professor mode all the way through. Don’t laugh at your own jokes. Practice saying them so you won’t be giving away your own punchlines.
Slow down the speed that you’re reading your words, as well as your pauses in between sentences. Give each sentence a full stop. If people are laughing, just stop talking for minute. Don’t try to talk over the laughter.
Practice your speech several times. Have it nearly memorized, without actually memorizing it. Nothing stops a joke dead in the water like bad timing.
End on some positive note. People like to be moved at a graduation, as well.
